Moscow, Russia
With days to go until Tuesday’s election, voters are either dropping off their ballots or setting aside time to go to a voting booth. But with so many counties reporting they’re under-equipped to count ballots in a timely manner, some unlikely volunteers have offered their assistance.
“We like Americans. We believe in general election as much as next guy,” a Russian spokesperson told The Modern Modem.
The spokesperson (who prefers to be referred to only as “Kurt”) was very empathetic to America’s situation. “We have much experience in de-mo-ca-ra-cy,” he said carefully. “Is good business model. I have personally hand-picked the best vote-counters in all of Russia to count all of American ballot. Very efficient. Should take few hours.”
When confronted with the accusations of interference in the last election, “Kurt” chuckled. “We only fix few issues with vote calculation. Is not exact science. Trust us. We are experts on de-mo-ca-ra-cy.”
In addition to Russia’s persistent request to help, China has also stepped in, offering to provide hardware support and free inspections of all voting machines across the country; as well as North Korea, promising unlimited server storage for the ballot results.
The Modern Modem 